I’m pissed off. One of my best mates can get out of work so he can go see a band he’s seen however many times before, yet he’ll make every excuse possible when it comes to going out for my 21st birthday. One of the few people I actually want there and they just can’t be ducked like everyone else. Looks like I’m going to be having another shit birthday. Nothing new there then.

I honestly dont know where to go from this. The constant pessimism is just sending me back into that shit place I was at last year. Everything is just bad bad bad to you, and you’re dragging everyone around you down too. Everyone around you being me. Seen as you keep pushing everyone else away. It’s hard to say it but you’re doing it to me too. I can’t keep doing this and putting up with it, and I’m getting closer and closer to snapping. I’m literally just waiting for your brother and sister to get back now to see if things improve at all. But for some reason I dont see anything improving at all. I’ve been in these deep dark places before. I know they’re not nice. But you’ve got to just listen to me and stop giving excuses for you to just stay pissed off at the world and stop feeling so sorry for yourself all the time and just pick yourself up  and get on with things. Make something for yourself. Make something out of yourself and just prove to everyone that you can actually do something with your life for yourself and not need people there the whole way to help you along. I cant take this much more. I dont know what to say to you any more because its never the right thing. I cant stop you from getting upset any more. And you’re just constantly getting upset and crying about i dont know what. Yeah I can understand you miss your mum and everything, but you’ve just got to deal with it the best you can, get on with life so that she will end up being proud of you for just picking yourself up and not letting anyone keep you down. I dont know what else to say tbh. I cant say anything else.

I start work at 3 and don’t finish till 1 in the morning. I’m going to be so tired seen as I’m already knackered. I’m hoping something interesting will happen or at least that time flys past. As much as I enjoy my job, I’d much rather not be working today, I’d rather be at V festival getting to see kings of leon. Ah well. :/

Feeling really down right now. I have no idea what to do to try and make this any better. It’s bringing me down too much. More than I should be letting it. As much as I care I cant go back into this sort of state again and be this low again. For my own sake as ell as everyone else’s.

-ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

1- I miss you every day, and dont think I’m ever fully happy unless I know I’m getting to see you or we’ve got plans to do something. You’re like a sister to me, and I’ll always be here for you no matter what goes on. We’ve got to find a way of making all these plans come to life. I know we keep saying it, but the next few years have to be amazing, so we will always have epic stories to fall back on and tell when people ask us stuff, or just if we’re talking doing the whole “d’you remember when…” thing.

2- I love you to bits, I might have been a bit off recently, but its only because there are times when I dont know what to do when you’re down and stressing about everything, which seems to be pretty much all the time these days. I know you’re depressed and down about things and your relationship with certain people who you should be a hell of a lot closer to, and I know they should be treating you differently too, but its really getting me down, because there isnt a time when you’re not getting upset or pissed off. I know all of us have our faults, but you need to take a look at yourself and change the way you talk to people such as your dad. I know that he pisses you off and stuff, but you talk to him so bluntly even when he’s not doing anything wrong. I try so often to stop you from freaking out or shouting at hime because I know that it’s just going to lead to another argument, but you always just tend to snap and say things that dont need to be said; that, if they were not said would lead to a quieter life. Its stressing me out how your mood can change so quickly, or you’ll be fine one minute and then upset the next. You need to start picking yourself up and sorting yourself out so that you can get on with life and set yourself up for the future. I love being with you and having the laughs that we do. Try to help make more of those times though and less of the stressed out ones that seem to be happening more recently.

3- I honestly dont see what went wrong here. You used to be my best mate. But now no matter how often I’ve tried, you never have the time of day to make the effort towards me. I was there for you through some of the hardest points you could go through a few years back, to the point where I thought you were actually going to do something stupid like attempting to kill yourself; and the people you’re now so chummy with were the ones who were all taking the piss and putting you down and not giving you the time of day just because you were hooked up on some girl who was treating you like a fool. Even recently I tried to see you and get to talk to you, but you seemed to just shun that attempt too. It’s happened so many times now that I honestly cant try any more. We’ll see if you ever bother, or remember who it was who was there for you when you needed someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on.

4- Another person who was seen as a best friend. I dont see things ever being anything near to what they were. To the point where I dont know how this next year is going to be. Yeah I’ve said I’ll be civilised, but being civilised might just be me staying in the same room as you, and not much more. Last year was horrible, and some of the things you said to, and about me cut real deep, especially when you knew how unconfident in myself i was already. I was always and still am greatful for all the times we did stuff and the memories I’ve got hanging out with you, but I dont think I’ll ever see you as the same person again.

5- You have become one of the people I’ve grown to trust the most. You’re one of my best mates out of 3 people, and I hope things stay that way. It’d be so much better if I lived closer to you lot and could actually see you regularly and do a shit load of things and just hang out having a laugh like last week. Just getting to sit in the pub with you and have a few drinks and chat and have a laugh literally made my week, only problem is it’s made me need it more often as I realised how much I’m missing out.

6- I’m so mixed up when it comes to you. Especially since last week getting to spend some time with you again. Everything seemed to come flooding back and made me realise how much I miss you and how much I regret nothing happening in the past. As bad as that sounds its true. You’re someone who I can be totally myself around and talk to about anything and the closeness is unbelievable. I know nothing can or will happen. But back then I always thought it, and I still do; I’ll always have time for you and you’ll always have a place in my life.

7- I wish you could see how much you’re making your family hurt. Obviously you had your reasons for leaving or whatever, but life’s too short to have just left your kids thousands of miles away in another country. I know for a fact that your daughter is depressed as I’m the one who see’s her crying and getting upset almost every day. You have to understand that she’s not over the fact that her mum just walked out of her life, and yeah this summer didnt go the way you planned but the way you’re acting now, and not replying or contacting her, isnt helping matters.

8- You’ve given me a great chance with this job. I’m enjoying it more than anything I’ve done in the past. And with all your contacts too, I can hopefully gain a whole lot more out of it. If I do manage to get somewhere from it I’ll be eternally greatful to you.

I cant think of anyone else right now so that’ll do.

-nine things about yourself

1- I study photography and find it one of the more fun things in my life that I can get swallowed up in and get lost in looking at random photos, whether it be online or actual film images.

2- I need to get back into drawing and doing more art due to the fact that I miss it and still wish I was better at it, yet know I wont get better unless I keep drawing or whatever.

3- I work in a pub in Camden. Its rather fun, even if it is tiring!

4- I hate where I love and would love to move out into a flat with a mate nearer to where they live.

5- I have a dog.

6- I have a slight obsession with buying DVDs, although I’ve cut it down a whole lot recently due to not having much money. HMV however is still a constant test if I go in to one.

7- I wish I could play an instrument. I love music, and attending gigs/festivals to see bands rocking out. But I’m incapable and dont have the time to learn right now. If only I wasnt so immature and stupid when I was at school to give up guitar after about a terms worth of lessons.

8- I am so far ink free, but hope to break the tattoo virginity within the next year.

9 - I have two piercings. My lip and my ear - which is stretched.

-eight ways to win your heart

I’m not going to do eight, so I’ll just say, be genuine and sweet. Have a few things in common at least, have a decent taste in music, and obviously i’ve got to see prettyness in you.

-seven things that cross your mind alot

1- “I’m not good enough”

2- “I miss you” - directed at many differnt people

3- “I’m hungry”

4- “I’m bored”

5- “I need to do…(insert mind numbing activity)”

6- “I want to get away”

7- “I’m tired”

-six things you wish you’d never done

Yeah I’m just not gonna go here.

-five people who mean alot

1- Lily

2- Robyn

3- Jimmy

4- Beth

5- The family - being a group of people rather than one particular person.

-four turn offs

1- Thinking you’re better than you are.

2- Having no manners

3- Not being hygenic

4- Not knowing how/when to shutup.

-three turn ons

1- Having confidence in who you are, but not being cocky about it. Generally having the right amount of confidence to be sexy.

2- Gorgeous eyes and legs.

3- Someone who knows what they’re doing and isnt affraid of doing it!

-two smileys that describe your life right now

:) :/

-one confession

No. Only because I cant think of anything.